But What If Stephen Hawking Was Right?



I’ve seen a lot of smug a-holes these past couple of days getting all high on their herp derp, wishing Stephen Hawking happy trails as he rolls up that wheelchair ramp to heaven and gets totally owned by God, who, they say Stephen will be disappointed to learn, actually exists.

Briscoe Cain is a member of the Texas House of Representatives and star of the short-lived cult-classic, The Adventures of Briscoe Cain, Jr. When he’s not proving to the world that hats aren’t for everyone, he’s tweeting stuff like this.

Texas rep Briscoe Cain insults Stephen Hawking.

I’m constantly surprised that a group of people who believe Noah’s ark is a real thing have such shitty imaginations. Speaking as someone who’s pretty religious (when it doesn’t involve doing anything), I’ve never seen science and God as being incompatible. When I take Tylenol, I understand it isn’t Jesus Power® that’s making my headache go away. We all know that science and chemical processes are things that exist. But when God gets brought up, for some reason they only apply to the small stuff.

Cain scores a pretty sweet self-own because Stephen Hawking’s description of how the universe was created doesn’t jive with what he’s read in the Bible, but forgets the fact that in Mark 4, Christ tells the apostles that he teaches in parables for those who don’t understand too good.

Maybe God looked out over the void and figured the Big Bang would be the best way to create the universe? Why do people just assume Genesis looked like Ernest and his Electroman powers in that cinematic classic, Ernest Goes to Jail?

Ernest P. Worrell in Ernest Goes to Jail.

We may never understand exactly what it is, but I’ve always believed there was a scientific explanation for God’s “power.” And with that in mind, letting people like Nabriscoe Cookies take ownership of religion was a mistake the human race may never recover from. And the reason is that people like him tend to take things like dialogue and rational thought off the table. Someone gave Cain a can of starch, and look what he did to his shirt. Why should we trust him with anything more complicated?

“I don’t put my faith in science,” people like Cain are fond of saying. But one time I saw a kid pour vinegar into his science fair volcano, and the thing went nuts! We know what’s going on there, and it definitely isn’t Jesus.